Changing What We Are by Changing What We Say
What do you think when you hear the word Postpartum? For most people, the word has come to be synonymous with Postpartum Depression or Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs). But, Postpartum is not a disease or disorder. It is a timeframe. A timeframe of a year that every woman who births a baby goes through.
Today, in our culture, the only word that we have to describe the sacred time after a woman has a baby has been conscripted as shorthand for a disorder. I hear all the time, ” I think I had a little Postpartum.” What she means is, ‘I think I might have had a Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder (PMAD).’ You don’t have Postpartum, You ARE Postpartum. We’ve taken the only word that describes this vulnerable, magical time of transition and changed it into a disease. And we wonder why there is so much pressure for women to bounce back, get back to work and get back in shape.
So, what do we do? In my case, we take cute phrases like ‘4th Trimester’ and ‘Newborn Mothers’ so that we can discuss the Postpartum period without making everyone think that we are talking about mental health issues. But, I don’t like doing that, because those phrases fall short. They imply a time period of about three months and Postpartum is a year.
So, I am making an effort to use the word, ‘Postpartum,’ and the acronym, PMADs when I speak. I want all the women I meet to have a way to talk about the amazing, transformative and sacred time that is the Postpartum period.
I want there to be a word that embodies everything that we hope for a postpartum mother. That she is cared for, supported, and pampered. That she has good food, and time to rest and heal. That she is recognized as a whole person, separate from her child, but no less worthy. And that she is given space to evolve and grow into herself as a mother. Maybe that word is Matrescence or maybe it really is Postpartum with all of its’ baggage and misuse.
Regardless, let’s stop using ‘Postpartum’ as a way to say PMADs. It’s one step on the way to honoring the amazing transition as a woman becomes a mother. Because no matter what you call it, the time after a baby arrives is sacred. So, let’s use our language to create space. Let’s create space for women to rest, heal and grow after the birth of their babies.
As these public conversations were beginning, Courtney and I created 4th Trimester. In the past three years this class has been informed by experts in our community and beyond and it has changed as our own experiences and practices have grown and changed. This fall, we are refocusing on the 
I tried to figure out what made a ‘good’ mom, what made a ‘great’ mom and what dragged a woman down to the horrible range of average. So, I created a schedule for my two week old baby, 
When I had my first baby, I had three baby showers. Yes, three. I should have felt like the luckiest woman alive, but instead those showers felt like an obligation. I felt happy that everyone wanted to celebrate my baby, but something in these exquisite lunches with beautiful cakes, fancy decorations and generous gifts felt false.
When I had my second and third babies, I had baby showers, but they were different. They were gatherings of very small groups of friends and family, they were opportunities for my tribe to surround me and say, ‘we will support you’. And at those gatherings, my friends agreed to provide support in ways that were meaningful to me, not by purchasing smocked rompers and deliciously soft stuffed animals, but by promising to call and listen, to stop by and rock my baby so that I could get a shower, to force me to go on a walk, to bring me a hot meal.
And then, if you are lucky again, you meet some mom friends. As you slog through this new and unknown realm of being a mom, you find support and community. Most of the time it looks really different than what you may have found at work. No one is gunning for your position – bleeding nipples – no thanks!. The women in your group are all fighting their own unique and hard battles. Mom friends are a new thing. They are different from work friends. You talk about poop and then you talk about sex. You are all struggling to find your way on this very new path and the bonds can form quickly and tightly.